summer of '09

Yes I am stealing from the song title "summer of '69" i believe that was Bryan Adams. My point is that this summer is one adventure but not the Indiana Jones adventure but the adventure of the heart. i hope to come out a better man. Summer for me is a time to explore, have fun, and develop relationships. I have a good amount of relationships that I need to refocus on. First me and God are always in need of developing. I also need to refocus and work on my marriage-- not that it falling apart but constantly needs attention which is good. I also really need to reconnect with some good friends of mine. Without even noticing it all those relationship have drifted apart at times and maybe it was me walking away or them but sometimes it feels I was standing still and everything was moving on and I was stuck and expecting it all to be the same when I opened my eyes. things are not the same and yet I am not either. summer is more than hot weather for me it has been time of testing through the flame. I think or rather I know that this summer is design by God for me to grow in him and refocus so that I can follow him. God has been really patient with me this past year and I have learned slowly and have slowly grown. I hope also to create some precious moment this summer. maybe I can write a song too.

writing

can i write? should i write? I struggle wit these questions but have always felt a pull to write and hence a blog but I write for me and I hate form and technique I prefer the raw nature of poetry and yet I enjoy essay and commentary. I soak up knowledge and enjoy academia but .. I don't know if i hack but why do i have this pull.

p.s. writing is weird if you think about it the language of it we put words on a paper and it relays a message and each who read become critics and evaluate it good or bad. the vocabulary, intelligence, experience, perspective and all undercoat what the author can and will write. as for me my style is me and yet it may not hack.

ramble on a sunny day.

I'm watching a cubs game now... Soriano just hit a home run. it is nice out and I am inside watching... This is the story of my life watching life from the window sill looking out and wondering what if?

I smiled today and it was great but weird I saw so many people enjoying the weather a guy was playing his guitar on a park bench, cyclist and joggers galore, dogs being walked and kids throwing the ball. I saw such beauty and yet I couldn't retain the joy it gave me my despair quickly sustained me like a mother's hands over little eyes, I must not see this joy for maybe I would enjoy and live. but maybe I don't have blinders but rather a callous heart that doesn't want to be content or happy but blue and somber. I feel a pull to depression and yet I want to be free to live and be me. what is the meaning of life but to enjoy Go's creation and follow him. our curse is to work but why work to the bone but for meaningless accomplishments. these are words not from a lazy bum but rather from one who appreciates existence and life. yet I am an emo...

wow I have never called myself such but I have found that I am. I feel therefore i cry and if i cry someone will hear. If I die it better be for someone or something and if I live may it last and may I never really die.

today is a day and tomorrow another a never ending but someday will I live in breath and escape in death the everyday bore that is the matter that we make it but never really lives with true breath or spirit. I know my purpose call and meaning but only in silhouette that i see not fully. fear subside I will rise but until it dies I will not truly live.

when?

just wondering what I'm doing... you know really doing. Do I live with purpose or is it all programmed response living in autopilot or default mode. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to have lived in a different time or place. this wondering can lead to endless day dreaming and in essence that is my favorite part of life, the time that you can kinda get away in a dream. The thing is most of my life has been lived in a fantasy world and I have made little impact in the real world and that my friend is living with no purpose because whoever you are I don't care if you admit it or not we all live with the intension or the inner urge or calling to make an impact to have your life worth something. we as Christians especially need to for Christ's sake (Lord's name in vain?). i talk a lot about doing great things and listen to others monologues and we as Christians have interesting dialogue but when will the words become actions when can I live with a clear clean flow from God to my heart, into my hands and my lips, feet and whole self. I'm tired of asking when I want to act now. if anyone is with me come lets drop our nets and follow this rabbi we keep talking about following. when will we... follow him. I weep for us for me, for the lost, i want to be cover by the dust of my Rabbi when will Jesus look at me and know me because I know him and follow him. Jesus love me this I know but God I want that love to flow through me to others. I need to go back to my nets I will be back later...

what should the church be doing?

here is a quote from don miller's blog that I thought was interesting:

1. Why should government be involved in helping people at all? Shouldn’t the church do that?

A: Perhaps, but I don’t think so. We are running an enormous government deficit right now (we ran a surplus during the Clinton years, but counter to many Republicans, Bush increased the deficit enormously) and we do have to pare down our government spending (Obama has increased it further with the stimulus package) so an argument could be made that we don’t have the money to spend in the first place. However, if we did have the money, is it right?

I tend to see people as people and don’t really differentiate between the government and anybody else. If the government can help, why not. They are people and we are people. It’s not like they are robots. As for whether or not the work should be done by the church, it isn’t, so somebody has to do it. The church could solve all problems of poverty, and when it does, I think the government could go back to building roads and putting up stop signs. That said, though, it is difficult for me to imagine how the church is going to help provide healthcare. So if we are involved in the church and think the government shouldn’t be doing this work, the way to make them stop is to make the work go away by doing it ourselves.

Okay... I have always been for the church taking care of people in need and hate that people today trust and look to the government more than they look to the church but I think Don is right in that the government is trying to do what the church isn't doing and that the church needs to step it up. I think it would be better if the church took care of the homeless, hungry, orphans, widows, abused, poor, and the sick. Jesus' brother James called this true religion, Jesus himself said, " whatever you did for the least of these you did for me." Don your right someone should do it but it's a sad day when those that call themselves Christians are indifferent to peoples needs and are passing by the helpless, when good Samaritan's who do not call Jesus Lord reach out a helping hand. I weep for the church... how can someone who denies christ do what he called us too. Now I know its not all about social justice, and I know that Jesus called us to more hence the great commission, which we miss as well. Don I applaud your work. thank you all who challenge me to do more.

greener grass where?

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to be that guy... you know who I'm talking about that guy that just seems so cool like he has it all together. I'm not a loser and their are others who probably see me asa that guy but I know I'm not that guy because well that guy doesn't exist because their is always going to be that guy. you see we all have this idea of the grass being greener on the other side; but, in reality we are who we are. I know God has a plan for my life and i'm special in his eyes. I need to learn to be content. Jesus is that Guy!!

Hebrews 9:14b

cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!

this verse is powerful but i want to give you the context Hebrews talks of Christ Jesus being the High Priest and the meaning of his sacrifice and blood atonement. 

I don't know much but I do know that Jesus died as a ransom for my soul, so that I may be free from my bondage of sin, therefore making me free, free in Christ to not live as I please but as he who lives in me (Jesus) may be free to reign over me. 

pray for me, I pray for thee. 

grace overcomes 

salvation is true.

I AM SAVED!

now i must live as so.