DCbony Honesty

summer of '09

2009-06-12T11:00:00.004-04:00

Yes I am stealing from the song title "summer of '69" i believe that was Bryan Adams. My point is that this summer is one adventure but not the Indiana Jones adventure but the adventure of the heart. i hope to come out a better man. Summer for me is a time to explore, have fun, and develop relationships. I have a good amount of relationships that I need to refocus on. First me and God are always in need of developing. I also need to refocus and work on my marriage-- not that it falling apart but constantly needs attention which is good. I also really need to reconnect with some good friends of mine. Without even noticing it all those relationship have drifted apart at times and maybe it was me walking away or them but sometimes it feels I was standing still and everything was moving on and I was stuck and expecting it all to be the same when I opened my eyes. things are not the same and yet I am not either. summer is more than hot weather for me it has been time of testing through the flame. I think or rather I know that this summer is design by God for me to grow in him and refocus so that I can follow him. God has been really patient with me this past year and I have learned slowly and have slowly grown. I hope also to create some precious moment this summer. maybe I can write a song too.

writing

2009-04-17T17:15:00.002-04:00

can i write? should i write? I struggle wit these questions but have always felt a pull to write and hence a blog but I write for me and I hate form and technique I prefer the raw nature of poetry and yet I enjoy essay and commentary. I soak up knowledge and enjoy academia but .. I don't know if i hack but why do i have this pull.

p.s. writing is weird if you think about it the language of it we put words on a paper and it relays a message and each who read become critics and evaluate it good or bad. the vocabulary, intelligence, experience, perspective and all undercoat what the author can and will write. as for me my style is me and yet it may not hack.

ramble on a sunny day.

2009-04-17T16:45:00.003-04:00

I'm watching a cubs game now... Soriano just hit a home run. it is nice out and I am inside watching... This is the story of my life watching life from the window sill looking out and wondering what if?

I smiled today and it was great but weird I saw so many people enjoying the weather a guy was playing his guitar on a park bench, cyclist and joggers galore, dogs being walked and kids throwing the ball. I saw such beauty and yet I couldn't retain the joy it gave me my despair quickly sustained me like a mother's hands over little eyes, I must not see this joy for maybe I would enjoy and live. but maybe I don't have blinders but rather a callous heart that doesn't want to be content or happy but blue and somber. I feel a pull to depression and yet I want to be free to live and be me. what is the meaning of life but to enjoy Go's creation and follow him. our curse is to work but why work to the bone but for meaningless accomplishments. these are words not from a lazy bum but rather from one who appreciates existence and life. yet I am an emo...

wow I have never called myself such but I have found that I am. I feel therefore i cry and if i cry someone will hear. If I die it better be for someone or something and if I live may it last and may I never really die.

today is a day and tomorrow another a never ending but someday will I live in breath and escape in death the everyday bore that is the matter that we make it but never really lives with true breath or spirit. I know my purpose call and meaning but only in silhouette that i see not fully. fear subside I will rise but until it dies I will not truly live.

when?

2009-04-06T09:59:00.000-04:00

just wondering what I'm doing... you know really doing. Do I live with purpose or is it all programmed response living in autopilot or default mode. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to have lived in a different time or place. this wondering can lead to endless day dreaming and in essence that is my favorite part of life, the time that you can kinda get away in a dream. The thing is most of my life has been lived in a fantasy world and I have made little impact in the real world and that my friend is living with no purpose because whoever you are I don't care if you admit it or not we all live with the intension or the inner urge or calling to make an impact to have your life worth something. we as Christians especially need to for Christ's sake (Lord's name in vain?). i talk a lot about doing great things and listen to others monologues and we as Christians have interesting dialogue but when will the words become actions when can I live with a clear clean flow from God to my heart, into my hands and my lips, feet and whole self. I'm tired of asking when I want to act now. if anyone is with me come lets drop our nets and follow this rabbi we keep talking about following. when will we... follow him. I weep for us for me, for the lost, i want to be cover by the dust of my Rabbi when will Jesus look at me and know me because I know him and follow him. Jesus love me this I know but God I want that love to flow through me to others. I need to go back to my nets I will be back later...

what should the church be doing?

2009-03-27T12:17:00.002-04:00

here is a quote from don miller's blog that I thought was interesting:

1. Why should government be involved in helping people at all? Shouldn’t the church do that?

A: Perhaps, but I don’t think so. We are running an enormous government deficit right now (we ran a surplus during the Clinton years, but counter to many Republicans, Bush increased the deficit enormously) and we do have to pare down our government spending (Obama has increased it further with the stimulus package) so an argument could be made that we don’t have the money to spend in the first place. However, if we did have the money, is it right?

I tend to see people as people and don’t really differentiate between the government and anybody else. If the government can help, why not. They are people and we are people. It’s not like they are robots. As for whether or not the work should be done by the church, it isn’t, so somebody has to do it. The church could solve all problems of poverty, and when it does, I think the government could go back to building roads and putting up stop signs. That said, though, it is difficult for me to imagine how the church is going to help provide healthcare. So if we are involved in the church and think the government shouldn’t be doing this work, the way to make them stop is to make the work go away by doing it ourselves.

Okay... I have always been for the church taking care of people in need and hate that people today trust and look to the government more than they look to the church but I think Don is right in that the government is trying to do what the church isn't doing and that the church needs to step it up. I think it would be better if the church took care of the homeless, hungry, orphans, widows, abused, poor, and the sick. Jesus' brother James called this true religion, Jesus himself said, " whatever you did for the least of these you did for me." Don your right someone should do it but it's a sad day when those that call themselves Christians are indifferent to peoples needs and are passing by the helpless, when good Samaritan's who do not call Jesus Lord reach out a helping hand. I weep for the church... how can someone who denies christ do what he called us too. Now I know its not all about social justice, and I know that Jesus called us to more hence the great commission, which we miss as well. Don I applaud your work. thank you all who challenge me to do more.

greener grass where?

2009-03-25T22:34:00.003-04:00

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to be that guy... you know who I'm talking about that guy that just seems so cool like he has it all together. I'm not a loser and their are others who probably see me asa that guy but I know I'm not that guy because well that guy doesn't exist because their is always going to be that guy. you see we all have this idea of the grass being greener on the other side; but, in reality we are who we are. I know God has a plan for my life and i'm special in his eyes. I need to learn to be content. Jesus is that Guy!!

Hebrews 9:14b

2009-02-02T11:14:00.004-05:00

cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!

this verse is powerful but i want to give you the context Hebrews talks of Christ Jesus being the High Priest and the meaning of his sacrifice and blood atonement.

I don't know much but I do know that Jesus died as a ransom for my soul, so that I may be free from my bondage of sin, therefore making me free, free in Christ to not live as I please but as he who lives in me (Jesus) may be free to reign over me.

pray for me, I pray for thee.

grace overcomes

salvation is true.

I AM SAVED!

now i must live as so.

all in

2009-02-02T11:07:00.003-05:00

I'm all in.

I know i've said that before but I'm done with half hearted worship.

I'm tired of throwing myself on the altar and two minutes later getting back up.

I'm ready to be sacrificed.

I'm tired of pointing the finger and now I point at myself I'm the hypocrite I'm the loser

God is good he is tired of my sin too.

repentance is the answer

complete and utter turn around

no I'm sorry try not to again

but serious, sincere, "God, I messed up, I disobeyed you, fell down wasted so much, hurt you, others, and myself. I want to change God I need you to heal me to change my heart, renew my mind and restore me back. I am choosing to be free from sin but God I'm scared I feel alone but I know I'm not. help make it happen I cannot do this any longer.

2009-01-29T11:05:00.002-05:00

I feel like a bum. I do nothing productive, I would like to write on something more meaningful but I run into walls.

this may be the first blog that I mention Jesus. I have learned lately that it is true that I speak his name rarely and I don't know why. am I ashamed of him?

Jesus, came 2000 years ago to change the world.

think about that...

what does it mean to change?

some change is easy_____(you fill in the blank)

some change is hard... people, lifestyles, diets, habits, addictions, relationships, attitudes

a friend may be think the other day that we are not sharing the true gospel we and I mean us, or me. I wonder if I even can share the gospel.

not so much can I articulate it with shiny words and inspiration because that is just meaningless without passion.

I love Jesus, and I love people.

but do I truly love my neighbor if I allow him to sin?

whoa I know I said it... sin is a plaguing topic, and Hell is only worse. H E double hockey sticks for the soft christians. the reality is that someone close to each one of us is heading down that path. Jesus came to change that. He came to change 12 guys, who then started a revolution. churches stop praying for a revival, and rather a revolution. pray hard but work just as much. allow God to change, transform and revive the church. It may start with a few but the flame will catch ignite and then we will have a scorching heat a bright light that this world hasn't seen in a awhile.

If you call yourself a christian than you have a light. I'm a hypocrite because I hide mine. Jesus isn't about hiding. he lived each day to the fullest. carpe diem was spoken in Jesus native tongue. and on the cross he declared that "IT IS FINISHED!" when we die can we utter that same phrase. Like I said I'm a bum... when will I live. maybe something else must die. pain so divine, love so great, feeling so toxic, scent so arousing, grace so real,

I was challenged. now I'm dueling

tomorrow I step up to the plate.

swing away

eye on the ball

strike or ball I don't care

whatever it takes

to get to first

to run with all

to leap

to sweat

forget the crowd

eye on the prize

my coach delight

failure not an option

enemy obstacle

overcome, the pain

run to the next base

dive for shelter

come up on top.

double march,

makeup

for riding the bench so long

get in the game

okay i know it's a sports metaphor but it's a good one.

i pray i rides

I pray for those around me to catch the flame to ignite and consume God's love

brighter today, tomorrow's hope

grace for all

God I love what you are doing just bring me on the team

late night post

2009-01-27T22:04:00.002-05:00

hey I have just ben wondering how one can just seem to coast through life. I seem to be running on auto pilot sometimes. I don't feel depressed but not quite content. I'm looking and lacking. I fight with myself over the remote. I run in circles.

today I cried

2009-01-16T11:35:00.002-05:00

I cried because I ached. I cried because their was nothing else I could do I wept uncontrolably and my wife held me. I won't dive into to deep about why I cried but I will genereralize.

Depresion sucks! if you have never been depressed I envy and at the same time I pray for you. To be depressed is to sink and realize you are sinking, to feel though you don't want to feel a thing. depression makes you fel alive but want to die. It draws emotions to swell, boil, steam, until it hurts. This state of being is not an emotion, or a feeling but a pit of dispair that one falls into quite often before the depression starts; we are depressed when we realize that we have fallen.

Some people think that to be depressed is a bad thing. I disagree though I don't enjoy these times in my life in retrospect they have been growing pains along lifes journey. to be depressed is to dwell in lifes gutter and understand oneself, God and others. this world though dark and beautiful is God's creation. though our flesh is soiled, torn and bitter, we are God's children.

I cried because I am depressed. crying is therepy that treats the pain so contained in this vessel of my mind, soul and body. my spirit is breaking yet God is mending and also pruning. God loves me and I feel that love today, tomorrow he will too. My wife loves me too, I must thank God for her each day. I am angry at her, she has hurt me bad but my love for her so I forgive and the healing begins. She doesn't understand what she does, I know she means no harm, but the flames she throws cannot always be evaded, the wall she builds is hard to climb, I am tired of climbing I am tired of hurting, tired of trying to please people. I am me, God can change me but he made me, me. I want to be the man he wants me to be but I struggle. people love me but few know me or understand me. we all hurt, but few say a word. we all live quiet lives of solitude. the person inside screams for life. But who is this midget inside who is ugly and unkind, weird and diseased, horny and unkempt, crazy and stupid, gross and naked, unfromed and grotesque, quite handsme but not, clever but trapped, couragous but timid, shy, and yet loud, we all know him but we don't say his name, he shows his face in dispair he is the true you or me, but we mask him, dress him and make-up for embarassed is I to be a midget who is un-normal, but hate to play charades and be a pupet by life's stage.

my midgets name is DC, my birth name, my heavenly name.
he is a man I am a boy. He is quite tall and yet he shrinks within my because I have him in chains, freedom rings but he no hear, I took his key and swallowed it. He has the key but...

2009-01-08T23:39:00.000-05:00

I sit and ponder wondering at the hour for which i live i must be crazy to sit and think

sit stand walk.

run on track

skip to leap

not to heavy but oh so light on my feet

gracious hour

free to be

see me jump across this chasm

listen to melodic note of my harp

paint this canvas of my path

charted course

sword etched map

colors swatched by thee artist

brushed with love

art all over

I must play or be stuck watching,

wanting yet not having

but I embrace this form, an dream

looking for the next move

catching the next bless

capturing this beautiful mess

journey my left limp

set pace for long trip

pack for extremity

survive, and more

enjoy and learn

voyage to new seas

never knowing what lay ahead

faith today with bended knee

ready for next step and tomorrow's surprise

begin again, born renew

life is great

when God is at work

God provides

2009-01-08T22:33:00.000-05:00

God Loves Me.

This should not be a revelation but today it is. wrap your mind around those three words. Our culture lives for love, but our culture struggles to love, lacks to understand love. God is so great and he loves me. I mean he really loves me, even though I fail. do you understand this because i don't. Because no one likes a failure. The loser is never cheered. I feel like a failure much of the time lately I am depressed, but I have learned one thing through countless years of depression, that neither you nor I can lift ourselves out of depression it is God alone and his grace and mercy that when we finally stop fighting our way out of the miry clay or quicksand as it may seem. It is only then that God can revive our soul. speaking of revival I could use one. I know God is working though and I know he has a plan for me. as a church we often schedule revivals and pray for God to come, but God causes revival and we never know when it will come we must be ready even in the valley.

Though I pout, moan, whine, groan, cry and complain, in reality I am truly blessed. I am living my dream, and yet not yet. God is moving and yet I want the express lane. My patience and misconceptions ruin the journey.

I dig my own holes, but God has bigger goals

Discipline self

God, punish I

spirit, heal

prod and pray

grace for the dish today

thank my savior for every rise

in smite of my altar demise

insane am I

or am i more,

less, norm nor weird

drought, thirsting pain

callous and soft

oh I feel the growing pains

child's play, is my wishing well

big man, torn,

ruined or unbuilt

oh so numb

wanting to feel

feel the embrace of my God

for him to breath in me

put flesh on bones

oh prophet speak

set my feet

whisper truth

shout it out

quench my thirst

fill my urn with fire not ashes

life not corpse

Carpe Diem!

My God

OH My God

how great thou art

first blog

2008-12-29T17:38:00.000-05:00

I am new to blogging but I love to write.

To start out I must say that i am in a stat of flux currently going through a time of tough choices. life is running while I jog, peddle, trot, or walk. The stress subsides, yet with the release I still lay in dark. I am looking to the future and sit to guess and prod and what is so broad a ditch of unknown dreams. for i love to seek and be and struggle to do the latter.

writing thoughts not for you but for me. who are you but an audience and I a player on a stage. shake my spear to scare a beast and bow my head in humble praise and then exit to another plane. my words are art, critiques if you must and comment but don't hate for my words are like my tongue, extensions of my heart, soul and mind.

I must end my first blog, in hope of a new beginning.

new choices

new life

new grace

new mind

new...